[[Still A Girly Girl: Revival]]

Oct 12, 2007

Revival

It feels strange posting here after being absent so long. I'm not going to bother with a recap of the last year; I'm sure that I will cover all of the important stuff eventually. Right now I just need an outlet.

In June I broke up with Kevin. Our relationship was stagnating and I needed something new to happen. I demanded that he make decisions about what he wants from life, and ultimately I did not make the cut. Since then I have spent quite a lot of time alone. Not that we spent a lot of time physically together, but a boyfriend is obligated to listen when you need someone to talk to. I haven't really had anyone to talk to since then. Danielle is busy with school and Joel, and I know that she would be there to listen to me, but I don't know that I would be able to feel like anything but a burden. She has her own life and her own stress, and I don't need to add to that.

For the last several months I've become increasingly more obsolete at work. I am still one of the most knowledgeable supervisors, and this knowledge has become almost second nature; It seems like I could almost do my job with my eyes closed. I think that this level of comfort and familiarity with what I do isn't as impressive to the big-shots as when I was quickly and eagerly learning and applying new and difficult tasks.

I applied for a new position awhile back, a job that is technically at least two steps below where I am now but which offers a regular and less-demanding schedule. I was passed over for a woman who has no experience, has shown no previous interest in a job in management, and who has, so far, dismally failed to show that she is the more capable of the two of us.

The stress at work has been combined with health issues. I spent almost three weeks on the sidelines, collecting sick pay and unused vacation time. With my MS flared up, my doctor ordered another MRI, this time of not just my brain, but also of my cervical and thoracic spine. The news that my almost three hours in the MRI machine revealed a new lesion and advancements in the old ones left me feeling fairly unscathed, but the following 24 hours gave me plenty of time to think about everything that's all been piling up. I had a meltdown at work, which was followed by the realization that my increasing number of 'meltdowns' would be clinically described as anxiety. I think I've been coping with it a bit better since my epiphany, and I'm hoping that letting go of some things on here will help too. Who knows? Maybe I won't need the Xanax I've been prescribed.

This post is a mess, but nobody remembers that this blog exists, so there will be nobody to read it and critique. Now it's time for bed.

Posted by erynthenerd @ 11:47 PM

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