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A Twisted Day In The Life Of...
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One of my Blogger friends, Scott, is in the hospital. I really don't know him well (and I hope this post is not too personal), but from the few instant messenger conversations we've had, and from what I've read in his blog, I've grown very fond and respectful of him.
He's been battling cancer for almost a year now, and his latest round of chemo has been really tough. He's got a blood clot in his leg, and a tumor in his stomach is bleeding out. He is constantly being poked and prodded and stabbed with needles (or worse). For the last six days they haven't let him eat anything but Jell-O and clear broth. In spite of everything his attitude is always that things could be worse.
When I called him at the hospital the other night he said, "Eryn? Eryn The Nerd?" I had forgotten that we'd never spoken on the phone. I meant to call him last time he was in the hospital.
I am not good at comforting people when their position is much more dire than breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or losing a good job, and I was worried that I would say something stupid and thoughtless. I think that when the topic turned toward illness I handled it pretty well. He admitted to me that some days it is hard to maintain a positive outlook. I try to live by the same "things could always be worse" idea, but were I in his situation I am not sure my outlook would remain so unfailing. I would be in a perpetual state of self-pity and self-destruction. I would probably turn away my friends and family, favoring solitude, convincing myself that if they weren't allowed to see me they would forget about me and stop caring about me and it wouldn't hurt as much if I died.
It feels wrong to talk about death, to even think about it. Scott is strong. He has an amazing network of friends and family, and a beautiful, caring, blushing bride. I cannot think of what the world would lose if we lost someone as great as Scott. When I was in middle school a friend of my mom's died of leukemia, but at that time I had no concept of death or loss. This is the first time I have been so personally touched by cancer, and it makes me want to cry every time I think about it. If I never feel like this again it will be too soon. My heart goes out to you, Scott, and to Julie. I hope with all of my might that all will be well soon.
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